Re: Beauty and Brains

 Forewarning, we have a Chatty Kathy on our hands.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, I just thought the title of my ad is good. If it's not, tell me.You already sound like an excruciating asshole And I'm not saying 'I'm only looking for a smart super model.' I'm not. Why? Cause I'm sure a smart super model has better things to do than search through CL, in Vegas, for a nice guy. aka only broke bitches use craigslist, and no model wants that because they got to snag their sugar daddy before the first wrinkle sprouts That's who I am: a nice guy. I'm not a smart super model. I'm smart and I'm a hand model (lol). Just kidding, I'm no hand model. but you just may be comedian if comedians relied on stupidity and not humor I'm just an average nice guy widening my search for that average nice girl.

This is how it usually goes. I got your attention with the ad with a picture attached. his picture was a picture of tom cruise.. no lie. there is your first sign that he is crazy Then you go look at the picture first, without reading any of this. I don't blame you. We're all human. and human instinct is to push the back button when you see a picture of crazy cruise I just wanted you to see your own reaction and how willing you are to go a little further. (Sometimes I go off on little tangents, so feel free to skip a couple lines if you want) that would suck the fun out this

First off, if you didn't chuckle or laugh out loud, or possibly sniffled a little with a chance of tears, we will not get along (probably). The hand model bit was supposed to arouse feeling outside of contemplative self-mutilation?  Nothing is for certain, but you have to have some emotions. Thanks to you, I am dead inside I have emotions, so why don't you? You killed them and now, you are shitting on their remains Yes, I said it. I have emotions! And I am sensitive! If this doesn't toughen you up.. bless it Ok, ok, I'm not that sensitive (for the record, I am straight. 100% straight. I'm not gay). thank fucking god Why do people think sensitive guys are gay? well in your case, only a dick in your mouth would shut you up at this point and you are obviously obsessed with tom in Jerry McGuire Never mind. Don't answer that.

I think the pic is funny. It's funny, sensitive, cheesy, sweet, etc. it is a picture of tom fucking cruise. the only funny picture of that man is him jumping on a couch. no sensitivity or sweetness Yes to all of the above. But it also captures a part of what I long for. Some puffy face woman to tell you that you had her at hello? you may find it, but you will lose it two tangents in boo-boo Someone that I can share my life with. Let's face it, We are all missing something in our lives, whether we choose to admit it or not. I can't have a complete, great life, if I don't have that person that completes mine. try weed first, baby For me, it doesn't matter how much money you have, where you live, the people you know, etc. Don't get me wrong, those are great things to have in your life. But at the end of the day, you should want to be with someone who makes you feel good. I want someone who's fits with me and I fit with them. I'm actually trying to spread a saying that I have come up with. "It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters who you're with." fame whores have been using that for years I don't know, I guess it only makes sense to me. If you want to be with a certain person(s) (family/friends), it shouldn't matter what you're doing.

Ok, no more sensitive stuff...hopefully. I am a nice guy. If you can believe it... I am. you sound like a nice pussy I'm a genuine, old fashioned, nice guy. I'm honest, truthful, good natured, funny and a liar , easy to please all you have to do is listen and not let your eyes glaze over too ofter, caring, etc. I can't perfectly describe myself. Not all of my characteristics come out on a daily basis.

"Why am I still single?" you may be asking yourself. i answered that a few paragraphs back Well, I haven't been ready in the past. I thought I've meet a few good girls along the way, but nothing felt right. I'm the type of guy that wants to move forward, even if it's at a very slow pace. And if it doesn't feel right, I'm wasting both your and my time. And I shouldn't be that selfish enough to ask for the other person to wait.

Nice guys want to be wanted too ladies! Most women settle for the nice guy. They want something else, but settle for us "nice guys." Why, I ask you? We want to be wanted too! I certainly want a nice gal to call my own. One who I can't wait to talk to after work, get random text messages; Someone that doesn't mind my goofy/dry humor; Lay on a blanket looking at the stars just relaxing or chatting; Sitting on the couch, watching a movie or TV show; Someone I can have fun with and essentially enjoy each others company. I want to be with my best friend. your life seems as boring as my permastoned friends without the drug induced euphoria

Well, this has gone on long enough and quite possibly, I have lost many people. I am still here but for extremely selfish, sassy reasons, the rest jumped ship at tom cruise They don't want to take the time.  If you can't read this, how interested are you really in meeting someone special? maybe you just aren't as special as you would like to think It can't be some casual thing, you think about only at the end of a day (I've been there). It needs to be real. And yes, I'm most definitely real. i do not think someone would take the time to construe something so fucking stupid too bore women into lesbianism. 

And for those who are reading this (or those skimming to the very end), here it is. The moment you've been wanting for (this is when you start reading very slowly, holding your breathe, nervously i already tried that form of suicide earlier, and unfortunately, i'm still here).What I generally look like (since I'm not really Tom Cruise... I'm taller... haha) and you lack his entertaining public breakdowns, to put some general sketch in you brain. I'm 28, white, 5'10'' and 150 lbs! feed this fool

Awww! I just disappointed a majority of you (maybe).  I say that because I hear that most women don't like skinny guys. Why? I'm athletic and fit. There is a difference, you know. Some athletic people are not fit. And some fit people aren't athletic. I see this every week. wtf Staying in shape, and being healthy, is a part of my life. I'd like it to be a part of yours. This is one thing that won't change. oh my god, he is going to live until at least seventy... save your children

Don't forget that this is just a tip of the iceberg of what the man I am today (and yesterday's). I can't wait to see the man I'll become tomorrow. I know I didn't list what my qualifications for you are, but I think it'll be best if you just tell me who you are, what you like, etc. no, you talked about stupid shit that makes me not only not want to date you but to harm you

Like I said earlier, I am looking for a nice woman who wants a nice guy. If that's you, I'd like to hear what we have in common. only cokeheads could keep a conversation with you going All you have to do is answer this one question and put that answer in the subject line. The question is: Which of these do you have? Beauty, Brains or Both. So put 'Beauty', 'Brains' or 'Both' in the subject line. Any of those 3 answers will get a reply, no matter what. Anything else won't get a reply. only those that would reply neither will reply so you just fucked your chances

RE: My ex-girlfriend just sent me pictures...

 ...of her sucking off three different guys. And really, really showing them her talents... We broke up two weeks ago. It wasn't pretty. Anyone want to help me counter?

Dear sir, you need to get over this exgirlfriend immediately because she is a grade a slut. Her only talent is some freakish inability to get lockjaw. Who cares if she sends you a picture of her being the nastiest thing on the block? You need to put this fish back in the sea and go straight to the free clinic and keep your fingers crossed the next week. To any girl foolish enough to fall for this, it is the oldest trick in the book. It is the story of my parents and their parents before that. It didn't get them far, and it won't get you much further, unless you enjoy trading STDs like Pokemon cards.

RE: lockt up need a pen pal

hi my brother is in prison for 5 years he is not a bad man just made a few mistakes nothing violent or anything like that..just stupidity.if your interested pleas contact me..or just write Troy Larson DOC#139399 AZ state prison complex tucson unit winchester po box 24407 tucson az 85734

 This bitch done stole someone's car, served two years, and is tired of looking for love in the showers. Hey, he has one caring sister who is tired of having to write him everyday. One thing CL has taught me, is that love shamelessness knows no bounds. If any reader wants to start a pen pal relationship (sending a felon nudies and pube clippings) please drop a line to the address above. God knows I did!

RE: Recently Had a Baby? M4W

Would like to meet a girl that recently had a baby or is currently pregnant. Looking for someone open to exploring a nursing relationship. Pretty open to age/race but would like to meet someone that lives on my side of town. If your interested or open to trying this send me a message and let's chat. Looking for a commited relationship that involves this.

First things first, papa is fine but a fucking freak. Now, I understand squeezing extra protein in your diet can be hard to do, and protein shakes can be a little bitter and chalky; breast milk should never be an option. I don't know if he is trying to mastermind the masses and take over the world with his ever increasing IQ(breast milk can do it), but he should try a different tactic. Maybe his mother didn't breastfeed him, and he is making up for lost time; and as sad as that story is, it is not okay to steal boob-candy from a baby.

RE: gay man looking for gay woman

29 year old closeted gay man looking for a Jewish woman to "date" (develop friendship and maybe one day marry). I am a very relaxed, easy going guy with a great sense of humor. looking for same in a partner. pic available. please email if interested. please be around my age and Jewish.

I have often pondered how beards are found. For those unfamiliar with a beard, it is a person of the opposite sex who presents their self as a wife/husband of a closeted gay person. Apparently, Craigslist just made it a shit load easier to trick your loved ones into thinking you are something other than you are. At least this man is trying to find a lesbian to do it, instead of tricking some old hag into throwing her life away... sometimes unknowingly. If you are going to do it, do it right, baby. In my personal opinion, you need to grow some balls and tell the world you are and how you love, but having a dyke as a wife might work out just fine. Of course, you will never be able to start a healthy gay relationship, but at least you can decorate to your hearts content while she does all the handy work. When you part ways as the world changes, you will make one hell of a house flipping team... a partnership that is much more lucrative than storytelling.

Re: Back Scrubber Helper (M4M)

Clean me because I simply can't clean myself

looking for someone who enjoys long hot soapy bubble baths, cuddling and passionate make out sessions. I'm a very dirty boy in need of a nice long soapy bath and someone to scrub me down

please don't be older than 26

Who doesn't love a good, sexy scrub down every once and awhile, but taking it to the interwebs is just crossing a line of safety. I don't know if I am ready for a bathtub boyfriend just yet, and honestly, if you can't help yourself, how in the hell can I help you?

This will decrease your chances of being drowned by a dirty psychopath million-fold.

RE: I want to hire a Boyfriend (Upper East Side)

The position only requires certain minor but specific qualities. You must be over 5'8" tall, know proper grammar and linguistics and know when to keep your mouth shut. I would like said hired boyfriend to have his own dwelling as lodging is not offered with position. The job requires willingness to make tea and fluff pillows for girlfriend when she is not feeling well, as well as reading aloud from girlfriend's book collection and not touching girlfriend's photography equipment. You will also be asked not to interfere with music unless your choices have been cleared and approved first. When girlfriend is not sick the job requirements will diminish, you will have time to yourself in either case so please know what to do with such time, girlfriend is willing to meet your parents but will never ask you to meet hers because they are horrible people who are not allowed to speak to hired boyfriend, I will also want you to take walks in the park with me and enjoy frozen yogurt on hot summer nights. Willingness to meet my boss a plus, good looks also help. Health insurance not provided, and a religious streak will render you unable to apply for the job. No heavy drinkers or cigarette smokers, compensation for services depends on experience and will be discussed upon request.

This is the look you will receive before she fires you, which involves nasty, dominated rape and most likely a good old fashioned murder.

Only in NYC can you find this amount of insanity. Lil Mama wants a man without taking any effort into working for it. Want a good man that does as you say? Hire the fucking bastard. I am assuming that her problems started in an era known as the 'blackout', much like ms spears, and her horrible parents had something to do with it. In all honesty, her parents probably caught her trading her lunch money for compliments and oral sex and shipped her ass upstate to the good doctors, and she has passionately hated them ever since. I don't know much about Upper East Side society, but I am assuming this is a common venture due to the need of experience. How does one enter this field, any major requirements, and would this make you a man-whore? She is a new breed of diva, and you better respect her or you will end up as a victim on her growing wrap sheet. I feel sorry for her only because she doesn't understand that any man willing to put up with this, will in fact need more liquor in a day than Lohan keeps in her stolen purse. God Bless, you crazy bitch.

RE: Sought: bookish, boyish bucher with an Oldworld Jewish face - 31 (Brooklyn or Manhattan)

A fun, little sketch she did one day while daydreaming of love. Witnesses report that day as one when they walked in to check on her after a few neurotic phone calls from her about finding the right guy who lives behind her eyes. When entering the house, the anonymous witness recanted their experience detailing that there were strange drawings all over the floor, she was stark naked wearing nothing but two yarmulkes as a traditional jewish nipple pasties.

I don't feel attraction has much to do with what hobbies or professional goals people have in common; for me at least, it's generally been about more ephemeral stuff; I'm an idiosyncratic person whose decided to face that reality. I know what I preffer, so may as well put it out there no? On the off chance you're reading this, and think you're somebody who lines up with the few of my many idiosyncrasies I'll list here for you, it'd feel great to meet you.

I like men who love books and reading, are smart, clever, very quick-minded, blessed with good comic timing (probably an extension of being sharp as a tack)--& a little on the dorky or nerdy side; I like sarcasm, it feels sexy, so long as you can also let your guard down sometimes.

My friend Eli once told me that, for lack of a better way to put it, I seem only to be drawn to an "Old World" Jewish face when it comes to men; This doesn't mean old--I'd like a man a little younger than me, or roughly the same age, I'm just a little more likely to spot "my type,"--ie, a boy I think is damned handsome--in very orthodox neighborhoods in Bk; if you're Chassidic, I'm open to that; if you're an atheist, open to that too. If you're in between, that's just fine and dandy; It's a more difficult something I'm not totally sure how to pin down that I'm looking for; I tried to draw a rough idea of it below for you, but the bottom line is, Jewishness matters to me; religious observance does not.

My background is kind of interesting and I can tell you more about it if you're curious. As for you, appearance wise, I feel like I'm in heaven when I'm sitting across the table from a guy with brown eyes, dark black hair especially, but I like red heads as well. Freckles & pallor both feel adorable, and good skin; a narrow, slender face, with kind of a longish chin, & dark, expressive eyebrows; regal, scholarly-profile--that's just a very handsome man to me. I like men who aren't too much taller than I am generally (I'm 5'6"), though tall & willowy is great too. I'm pretty repulsed by big muscles, though I do like male body hair (don't get this current obsession with waxing away every follical--you're a grow up, boyish okay, but not a little boy); love type A personalities. Clean looking men make me feel really happy; you probably don't smoke, & you probably do have short/neat hair, and you smell nice.

You're basically a kind, playful, serious, decent, hard working person. You're not into pornography; you're somewhat reserved and private, maybe, and if you're the type of fellow who actually winces when other guys use verbs like nail, bang or bone to talk about sex with women, then you've already earned my respect. You aren't hostile to feminism; you like strong, nonconformist women.

I'm a Virgo (if you couldn't tell already by the amount of detail in this posting), usually get along really well with Capricorns born mid January especially, Scorpio, Taurus, and some other Virgos--earth signs are good with me, usually. If you think astrology is bullshit, that's just fine (such a Capricornian attitude!;-), humor me & tell me anyway.

I have dark brown hair, green/blue eyes, slim build, very voluptuous up top, olive skin, don't smoke, love long distance running; I'm a beautiful woman, I think, but I'm also sensitive, kind of fragile, introverted, a writer, and a gentle person. A little shy at first, but passionate once I'm comfortable with someone. I grew up in the country, not a big city person at heart, and love the fact that you can still hear the crickets in the park at night here; I love being outdoors, learning new things, quiet time for reading & drawing wanted posters of my ideal male visage, (that was meant to be funny;-) and just spending time doing new stuff with friends and people I care about. If you think you have some or all of the above characteristics, I'd be happy to share photos in exchange for yours. Thanks for reading & be well. 

There is no story yet to be told as sad and desperate as a single Jewish woman looking for love in the city after thirty. This is the aftermath of such a long, treacherous road. I am sure she has a complex with trying to please her grandmother who unexpectedly passed when she was young, and who's dying words were simply to find a nice, Jewish man. To me, this is just a long-winded rant that may or not may not be a catalyst to an inevitable breakdown. Dead Jewfro, may your days find you love and happiness and may your institutionalized stays be short. 

 

poz dude- 28 M4M aka poor, little bitchtits

There is something gloriously trashy about the M4M section of Craigslist. By and large, the internal clock of this section is stuck on dick thirty. Unlike their straight counterparts on this site, these men are shamelessly trying to fix their ravenous thirst for penis juice with more dick pictures than you can shake a stick at. You would think the large warning about STDs would shy these men away, but it must be as enticing as the warning label on your cigarettes. You will occasionally find one sad fella or two looking for something more than a glory hole to have a five minute party in someone's mouth. This is not one of them..

Ad: "Cub here, poz. 38w, 210lbs vers please include pics in your email"

There is no long and winding road to love for this one, he just wants some man to play with. I do congratulate him for being open with his HIV+ status, but I feel like he and his bitchtits have been through enough. He needs to take them mantitties by the reigns and steer them into a happy, productive relationship, even if it is just with a local internet sex-abstinence group founded by his mother, MD, and therapist.

Dear sir, may you find love even though you are not looking for it. One day your realities will unmasked with all your bad decisions, and you will finally be forced to love the one person you mistreated for all these lonely, sore-jawwed years, yourself.

Ready for Family- 28 M4W

Hi, I am a single Asian male looking for any women here that is ready to start a family. I am not here to play games and is serious about this. I have not found the right person yet so I am putting it out there if someone else is in the same boat as I am. Please put "Knoxville" if you are real and serious about this. Please tell me more about you and send me some photos of what you look like. I am open to any age or race.

Honest to God, this was the picture this man posted in lieu of a face picture.

 Something tells me this is the man behind the mystery..

fem guy looking- 28 M4W

Tranny train wreck seeks nice girl. (no picture was posted so this was my choosing.)

Hey ladies im looking for a fun non judgemental girl. i am all man but have a little fetish of crossdressing lol kinda weird i know but i figured i woould just throw that out there i bi but would never cheat promise. im nice looking clean cut guy. would love to chat hope to hear from u soon. 

I should have been alarmed when you said you were fem, but who doesn't like a pinky in their ass every once in awhile. Oh girl, I don't know how you think this is going to work.  He may be faithful, but he will steal your shit.  Here is one of the classic 'watch your man' red flags called 'where did my black cocktail dress go...again?' unless you want to wonder that question amassed with stifled frustrations of misplaced makeup and a credit card bill higher than yours (size thirteen pumps don't come cheap), then this may not be the love for you.

U want honesty or lies? -30

I predict a midlife crisis that results in you stalking your wife day and night because you are convinced she is cheating on you

The title says it all (no, sir you asked a question, my answer would in fact, say it all). The world is so full of dishonest, lying,
backstabbing, and cheating individuals (so is the website) that it makes me realize why the  divorce rate is so high. This country has lost its values in society , and the people have lost total respect for one another (someone has
morals). I mean, whyyyyyyyyy get married if all you're out to do is eventually cheat?! Right? Why does someone mess around with a girl or guy who is currently married with the intent of thinking that something might blossom into a serious relationship? (someone has been burnt by love before and is letting us know through the best way he knows how, an ad seeking someone else to drive away with his long winded angst until they sleep with other people.) Do these idiots not
logically think that same person might eventually cheat on THEM?! (no because we are all the exceptions and never the rule.) I've had people ask me why I've not took the leap into marriage, and the answer is simple. Its hard to trust people anymore. (the women in his life can never make it past the first date.. I wonder why?) I like dating for an excessive amount of time to understand we click with our chemestry, and it puts me more at ease not to rush things. (tease) For example, I dated a girl for 2 years who immediately wanted to get married within our first month or two of dating. (there’s your sign
dip shit, way to drag out the crazy train all over town) Know how that relationship turned out? See above paragraph for a hint. (read it loud and clear) I can't lie. Life it too short for stressful unnessecary bullshit drama. (bullshit in itself is unnecessary for this sentence flow. Damn, Angry at the World, you fuck everything up.) Stress is the job for bill collectors not your spouse. (he loves comedy) 

I'm only here to search for friends. (Why am I just now aware of this?) I'm not into the long term let's get married relationship until I KNOW both she and I are fully ready. Women talk about how they want a good man who doesn't lie and is honest. Well...ya want honesty? Here goes. (what in the hell was this past paragraph about!? Why won't you die?) I'm 33 years old. I'm 6'1 220 lbs, short brown hair, blue eyes. I recently moved back from St. Augustine, Florida to Knoxville where I NOW reside with my mother and grandmother (if anyone made it past your luggage bogged last paragraph, they have jump shipped now). I don't have a job until April 18th (why not make this post two weeks after the 18th), and my car is 13 years old with a black fender and rusty hood (anyone who stayed on this sinking ship to
see if grammy or mommy had money, is now gone) I'm not finnancially stable as of now, but I'm not certain if I'll ever be with the gas issue sucking me like a vampire (We can sympathize, but I have a strong gut feeling that the vampric kiss on your gas tank comes from stalking and possibly kidnapping any bitch that looked like the one that broke your crazy little heart). I realize I may come off bitter (at least you are self-reflective) when in fact I'm quite humble, so please...don't judge me through letters on a computer screen as if you can tell the tone of my voice (poetic but oh so lame). I'm ambitious, a dreamer(I‘m guessing more of a dreamer than ambitious), a comic nerd(no one but me is left reading to judge at this point besides me), and an amatuer stand-up comic(stop dreaming and start achieving). I've lived in Florida and Tennessee off and on, and I expect to go back. I was a historical re-enactor to the city of St. Augustine (This dude is as multilayered as an onion, only made out of shit), so history interests me within Florida. I like "some" sports as well as darts and pool. I don't smoke, but I enjoy a social drink or two on a beautiful day if a place has an outside patio(and now his diva comes out, great). I carry good conversation as well as being a good listener. I can be your best friend who isn't out to capitalize, gain, or cheat off of you in any way (the first 33 years seem tough, you should switch tactics.) Remember what I said about that stress factor. If you don't need that crap in your life then why bother? I just don't understand why folks just look for reasons to tack on all this unnessecary crap in their lives that does nothing but lead to health issues. (people only stress because you are in their bushes) There. Ya wanted honestly...you got it. 

Lonely guy looking for a good woman - 33

Hi my name is Kevin I am 6 foot brown hair brown eyes. I am 33 years old I enjoy spending time with friends and family (lives withmom and dad. They not only conceived him, but are also his closest only friends.) watching movies (porn) playing games (duck hunter), four wheeling, camping(don't go alone ladies) jet skiing (there is some hope ladies, momma and poppa may have money) swimming (sinking) I am looking for something long term. I would like for the woman to like doing some of the same things i do and for her to like kids and animals (sounds like a lesbian if I have ever heard of one, branch out from all those who have hurt you in the past). If you are interested in me please send a pic or put where you are from in the subject line so that i know you are real (I’m sure androids reply all the time looking to go jet skiing with him) or put i am real(no fake bitches need apply). if you like get in touch with me. or you can always read further (this man is a master and building suspense, I myself want to date you now) eight six five seven seven three seven zero five six (no classy lady calls from an ad)

 

If I were bound to find love I would have done things differently than this. i would not let anyone know the depths of my loneliness because that only attracts people as sad off as you are. If you can't love yourself, how in the hell do you expect to love someone else.

Vacation Fun- 27

This is my gentleman's finger.

"I am vacationing in gatlinburg with some friends next weekend april 8,9,10 and was looking to see if someone would want to party with us in our chalet. We'll be drinking alot all night and playing drinking games, so if you wanna join just give me and e-mail. O'yea I am a real person to not some spam thing."

It appears that the shore has crashed into Gatlinburg just in time for Autumn. His douchbag appropriate attire and pose screams prized jewel of the dating world. For anyone brave enough to attend, bring a life alert in case that drink doesn’t taste just right because not every single lady looking for love is game for a foggy game of hide the cucumber. May you be gracious enough to accept the diseases this ghetto Guido will bring into your life during your three days of tender, loving scabies infection. If you think online dating is hard enough now, try explaining those rashes to your next venture in love. He may say he is real, but he is still spam in my book.